Wednesday, October 6, 2010
I have lived a life that has been very generously blessed by the Lord even in trials, and for the most part, I have unabashedly proclaimed my unending gratitude to him from whom according to scripture every good and perfect gift comes, but I am terribly ashamed to report that my professed gratitude has been an unintentional facade distracting both myself and everyone around me from the ugly, nasty, hateful brat that hid beneath the surface. I continually pray that God will grow me and mature me into the woman he created me to be, and it seems that my most recent utterances of this prayer have been answered in the past 24 hours beginning with the phone call my husband received last night unraveling the few strands of stability to which we hold in light of our recent dilemma. While attempting to trust God with our future, I was able to catch a few glimpses of the direction in which God might be leading us, and instantaneously, I succumbed to the temptation to start piecing together a plan of which I approved as a path of minimal loss for myself and my family. Unfortunately, last night that plan was trampled by reality, and my shameful response was to become so angry with God that I could not bare to crack open my Bible or speak to him in prayer, yes, what I am saying is I dared give the Creator of the Universe the silent treatment!:( The source of my anger were the ridiculous thoughts,"Why are you doing this to me?...Haven't you taken enough already?...What have I done to deserve this?...I've done everything you've asked of me and more! I praised you even after you allowed me to become disabled!...Don't I deserve a break?!" Can't you just invision me stomping my childish little spiritual foot with my spirit's hands fisted as I mentally ranted at God through my tears and disappointment!? I knew my response was wrong, but I could not control it because, for those of you who think I'm good, my bratty nature just took control, and, to my shame, I submitted to it until this morning when I mercifully awoke unsmote by the all-powerful God whom I had beat up on all night with my silent musings. This morning after I dropped Lili off at pre-school, I headed to the church for the women's Wednesday morning Bible study that I teach although I had seriously considered skipping because my class wasn't even meeting today since it was our week to help with childcare, but despite my assumption it would be a waste of time, I drove to the church ready to corral toddlers while their mother's attended classes. What I didn't realize was that God had a special, undeserved treat for me diguised as a preschool choir practice that I got to attend. The choir director played a cd of the musical the children would be perfprming for their parents later in the semester as a means of familiarizing the kids with the monologues spoken by the narrator in relation to the musical pieces they would be singing. At one point, the narrator reminded us that Jesus chose to leave the riches and comfort of Heaven to live on this wretched earth as a homeless, wandering prophet speaking to me that God was asking me to endure graciously no more than he had been willing to endure on my behalf! Boy, did I feel like a BIG dumby in the moment of that realization! While I was still blushing from the shame of that insight, the lyrics of the song that followed nearly brought me to tears, "Jesus is my very best friend...I will love him to the end...all my life I'll follow him...Jesus is my friend!" In my mind I finished each phrase with, " and I've been a really crappy friend in return!:(" The joy of the Lord shone through my self-imposed spiritual exhile at this point because I knew that I was forgiven, and even after being such a turd, he was giving me a fresh start:) This is exactly why Jesus is my very best friend and with all my life I'll follow him!